7-29-08cn: Chuck Norris makes his own bobble-head Ninja dolls with a roundhouse kick. The problem is that they only bobble until they get stuffed into the back window of a car.
7-29-08rbn: The hole in the ozone layer was created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a soccer ball into the sky. The soccer ball is now called "the moon."
7-30-08cn: If you had one fish and Chuck Norris didn't have any, how many fish would Chuck Norris have? Yours!
7-30-08rbn: Contrary to "official" police reports, Marilyn Monroe's death wasn't suicide. In fact, Marilyn Monroe isn't even dead. She is now known as Napoleon Dynamite after Chuck Norris mistakenly roundhouse kicked her in the face.
7-31-08cn: There is no such thing as ethnic groups, cultural groups or diversity as far as Chuck Norris is concerned. He has been heard to say, "How can you honestly be so insensitive as to label someone who is merely a potential target. I treat them all the same! Dead!"
7-31-08rbn: They say a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down ... unless Chuck Norris has the medicine. He administers it directly to the stomach ... with his fist.
8-1-08rbn: "Jack-in-a-Box" fast food restaurants were named as a memorial to the first ninja that took a roundhouse kick to the head from Chuck Norris. His name was Jack. He ended up in a box. Dead.
8-1-08cn: In 2002 the Wurwussies tribe of Africa changed their name to Chuck Norris which struck fear into all of the other tribes of the region. They became an insurmountable force in battle and controlled all other tribes. However, six months later due to trademark infringements of the name, they were forced to change their name back to Wurwussies and the Phytindgswitstix tribe conquered them; completely wiping them out.
8-2-08cn: Chuck Norris' beard is so tough that he can grind diamonds into shape using only his chin hairs.
8-2-08rbn: "Red sky at morning, sailor take warning. Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky all day, Chuck Norris at play".
8-3-08cn: A "backhanded compliment" from Chuck Norris also includes the fingers and the fist .......and hurts for days.
8-3-08rbn: Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in six seconds.
8-4-08cn: Chuck Norris uses a grizzly bear to fish for him....and the bear has to cook the catch too.
8-4-08rbn: Chuck Norris knows the ending to the still unwritten 8th Harry Potter book.
8-5-08rbn: Chuck Norris is the reason Timmy's in the well.
8-5-08cn: The icy stare that Chuck Norris is famous for gives men the shakes and makes women swoon. Well, not all men. There are some in San Francisco who have been swooning too.
8-6-08cn: One Olympic event "Roundhouse Kicking Against Chuck Norris" was canceled because they couldn't find anybody in all the nations who wanted to intentionally get bludgeoned to death....and the Ninja Nations would have nothing to do with it either; as they fall dead at the very thought of his powerful sweeping kick to the noggin.
8-6-08rbn: The airlines pay Chuck Norris whenever he checks a second piece of luggage.
8-7-08rbn: "Liberty" and "Justice" are the nicknames given to Chuck Norris' fists. On a related note, the Pledge of Allegiance was banned from all schools because the teachers got tired of the kids wetting themselves out of sheer terror whenever they got to the last line.
8-7-08cn: The only difference between Chuck Norris and a grizzly bear is that Chuck Norris has more hair on his chest.
8-8-08rbn: Chuck Norris is an ardent supporter of organ donation. Yours.
8-8-08cn: The number 8 is a lucky number in the Chinese culture; except then they're fighting Chuck Norris.
8-9-08cn: When Chuck Norris counts to three to give you a fighting chance, he starts at THREE!
8-9-08rbn: Scientists have documented a direct correlation between the rise in greenhouse gases and the times Chuck Norris eats red hot bean burritos.
8-10-08cn: If Chuck Norris dislikes you, you can rest assured that he dislikes your friends too....and your dog, and cat, and parakeet, and hamster.......
8-10-08rbn: You've seen McCain attack ads, and Obama attack ads... have you ever seen a Norris attack ad? Of course not. You'd be dead.
8-11-08cn: If Chuck Norris had been at the Alamo there wouldn't be a Cinco de Mayo. In fact, Mexico would be named Chucxico, and the roundhouse kick would be the national salute.
8-11-08rbn: Chuck Norris beat Rock Band on "expert" playing all 4 instruments... simultaneously.
8-12-08cn: Chuck Norris is so good at predicting the future that he can tell you exactly when he's going to tear the top of your head off and remove your brain.
8-12-08rbn: Chuck Norris can solve a Rubik's cube with one icy stare.
8-13-08cn: Mattel has reported that an unknown number of emotionally insecure Ken dolls have committed suicide because thousands of Barbie dolls have left them to run away with the new Chuck Norris doll; who of course, has his own action gun, and hair on his chest. Word on the street was that Ken was gay. Sources are investigating what doll started that rumor!
8-13-08rbn: It's a good thing Chuck Norris is pro-military, otherwise there wouldn't BE a military. Chuck Norris doesn't need a military.
8-14-08rbn: Chuck Norris framed Roger Rabbit.
8-14-08cn: So powerful are his roundhouse kicks that Chuck Norris' shoes are made from a space-age material so that they don't explode on impact, like your face does.
8-15-08rbn: Because Chuck Norris self-regenerates, he has saved thousands of lives by donating various body parts-- except his fists. He never donates his fists.
8-15-08cn: When Chuck Norris is fighting you the only thing worse than a right and left fist to the head,.......is another right and left fist to the head.
8-16-08rbn: The wind created by one Chuck Norris round-house kick can simultaneously inflate 4,503 hot-air balloons.
8-16-08cn: All the Chuck Norris has to do is to flex his biceps and he can crack two craniums at a time.
8-17-08cn: Chuck Norris can kick you in the pants so hard that you have to unzip to spit.
8-17-08rbn: Scientists now believe that Hurricane Katrina resulted when Chuck Norris forgot to cover his mouth and nose when he sneezed.
8-18-08rbn: Black holes exist because even the universe itself is afraid of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
8-19-08rbn: Chuck Norris once tried to skip a rock across the pond near his boyhood home. Unfortunately, the rock broke the nose off the Sphinx on its third bounce.
8-20-08rbn: Chuck Norris is so fast the he can punch you in the face while simultaneously giving you a roundhouse kick to the back of your head. Scientists call the resulting phenomenon "EBS" -- exploding brain syndrome.
8-21-08rbn: Contrary to Greek mythology, the Medusa was turned into stone by one icy stare from Chuck Norris.
8-22-08rbn: Because of Walt Disney, the only person to survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick actually became famous. We know him as the seventh dwarf in Snow White ... Dopey.
8-23-08rbn: There are actually two things fatal to Superman: Kryptonite ... and Chuck Norris.
8-24-08rbn: The idea for razor wire came about after viewing Chuck Norris' beard under an electron microscope.
8-25-08rbn: Chuck Norris is credited with the first successful heart-lung transplant after he ripped the organs out of a ninja and stuffed them into a goat. The goat survived for 37 years.
8-26-09rbn: Chuck Norris' professional wrestling career abruptly ended after he won his first steel cage match by hitting the other wrestlers with the cage.
8-27-08rbn: Superman is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Chuck Norris eats bullets (he calls them "Crunch-ios"), can split a train in half with his head, and flattens buildings with a roundhouse kick ... that misses.
8-28-08rbn: Chuck Norris can poke a cyclops between the eye.
8-29-08rbn: Chuck Norris was once bitten by the world's most venomous snake - a deadly Australian Western Taipan. It died.
8-30-08rbn: Chuck Norris' fingers are actually tiny fists. Hence, the massive bruises each time he hits you.
8-31-08rbn: When Chuck Norris visits the dentist, the dentist needs intravenous Novocaine to dull the pain from the sheer effort of trying to clean Chuck's teeth.
9-1-08rbn: It is now known that Hurricane Ike resulted from a chili cook-off gone bad on Chuck Norris' yacht while anchored off the African coast.
9-2-08rbn: Chuck Norris literally broke the sound barrier ... with his fists. It took 14 years to put it back together.
9-3-08rbn: Chuck Norris starred in only one 3-D movie because he killed half the audience with his first roundhouse kick.
9-4-08rbn: All doors open automatically for Chuck Norris out of sheer terror.
9-5-08rbn: A newly discovered draft copy of the Declaration of Independence reads "all men are created equal ... except Chuck Norris. He's more equal than everyone else." The delegates struck out the last part before it passed.
9-6-08rbn: Osama Bin Laden will never be found. He knows that Chuck Norris is after him.
9-7-08rbn: Chuck Norris carves ice sculptures by staring at the water until it freezes into the shape he wants. It usually takes about 3 seconds.
9-8-08rbn: Chuck Norris invented deja vu. That way he can roundhouse kick you physically and mentally as the same time, thus ensuring total annihilation.
9-9-08rbn: Scientists believe that the global energy crisis can be solved by harnessing the force of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Unfortunately, everyone who's tried ends up dead.
9-10-08rbn: Chuck Norris can split an atom with his head.
9-11-08rbn: Historians have now concluded that Texas is part of the United States because Chuck Norris remembered the Alamo.
9-12-08rbn: Chuck Norris has cheated Death 24 times ... because Death is so gullible.
9-13-08rbn: The super collider was patterned after Chuck Norris' fists.
9-14-08rbn: What do Superman, Batman, Iron Man, and the Incredible Hulk have in common? They're all afraid of Chuck Norris.
9-15-08rbn: Research now shows that Hitler didn't commit suicide. Secret autopsy reports show that Hitler's sphincter throttled him out of sheer terror after receiving the following secretly encoded Allied communication: "C-H-U-C-K-N-O-R-R-I-S".
8-18-08cn: Chuck Norris doesn't know what the big flap about diamonds is all about. He makes diamonds by chewing on a piece of coal.
8-19-08cn: Chuck Norris doesn't know what cool is, because he is cool.
8-20-08cn: There is only one thing more terrifying than being torn apart in a bull arena full of angry bulls, and that is the sound that you hear when Chuck Norris flexes his six-pack.
8-21-08cn: Most women love Chuck Norris. The only ones who don't haven't been born yet.
8-22-08cn: Chuck Norris drives a different car to the office everyday.....because he can.
8-23-08cn: The only way to see how fast Chuck Norris can hit and kick you in thirty seconds is to count the bruises after time is up. The lowest number was infinity and that was because he did it with one hand tied behind his back.
8-24-08cn: You have no idea what it's like to get run over by a steamroller until you've experienced getting run over by a steamroller; with Chuck Norris driving.
8-25-08cn: Chuck Norris knows that there really is more than one way to skin a cat. His favorite is to cut off the tip of its tail and pull it inside-out.
8-26-08cn: Saddam Hussain surrendered only because he heard that Chuck Norris knew where is sleeping. He also knew when he was awake; and when he was good, or bad; for goodness sake.
8-27-08cn: Chuck Norris knows where Elvis is........and Elvis is there because Chuck told him that he didn't want to see his face in public ever again.
8-28-08cn: Chuck Norris' icy stare can freeze drinks in milliseconds. He's quite the popular guy at parties.
8-29-08cn: It has definitely been proven that Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you so hard in the pants that you have to unzip to spit.
8-30-08cn: It has been scientifically proven that one roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris can mix all the drinks that Starbucks serves in a day.
8-31-08cn: Chuck Norris has a twin who is named Chuck Norris. That might explain why it seems that he's everywhere at once, so large that he can fill the universe..........and so fast that he can tear your heart out if he wanted to. He really doesn't have a twin; but the other stuff is true.
9-01-08cn: There are so many women who want to have Chuck Norris' children; that there are so many women who want to have Chuck Norris' children. .......That's right; he's ruined it for all other men.
9-02-08cn: When traveling, Chuck Norris gets his choice of the entire plane.
9-03-08cn: At times the President of the United States had to reschedule appointments because his plane was being used by Chuck Norris.
9-04-08cn: Chuck Norris is so omniscient that he knows what you're thinking before he tells you to think of it.
9-05-08cn: If you were traveling to Russia on a train moving 150 miles per hour and Chuck Norris was traveling to Russia on a train moving only 50 miles per hour, he'd beat you there because his roundhouse kick would cause your train to derail before it left the station.
9-06-08cn: The superhero known as "The Thing" used to be male; before he met Chuck Norris.
9-07-08cn: Chuck Norris once played himself in the Dino De Laurentis movie, "The One Commandment." I'll bet you don't know who the one person who you didn't "Piss Off" was.
9-08-08cn: In the event of atomic roundhouse kick,....get some popcorn. Because a roundhouse kick really is an event.
9-09-08cn: There are very few things that make Chuck Norris mad enough to beat up on 1000 ninjas. Unfortunately, there are always 1000 ninjas that can't seem to get the message.
9-10-08cn: If Chuck Norris were dating the most beautiful woman in the world, then the rest of the men in the world would naturally take second place. .....that one is a no-brainer.
9-11-08cn: A pair of Chuck Norris underwear was left inadvertently in the New York subway. By the time that it had walked itself home it had killed a couple of dozen ninjas who'd tried to steal it.
9-12-08cn: One reason that Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear is because it helps him with his male inadequacy problem.
9-13-08cn: The only reason that Viagra was invented was to help the men who are afraid of Chuck Norris.
9-14-08cn: A double-entendre is something that happens to you when Chuck Norris intends to smack you with both of his fists.
9-15-08cn: Fourscore and seven years ago......is a long time to have Chuck Norris mad at you.
9-16-08cn: There is only one thing worse than having Chuck Norris mad at you....on second thought, there is nothing worse than that.....ever.
9-16-08rbn: Chuck Norris can squeeze blood out of a turnip.
9-17-08cn: Tough Love is what it is called when Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick to the head. It feels tough to get kicked in the head, and he loves to do it.
9-17-08rbn: Albert Einstein developed his now famous Theory of Relativity after watching Chuck Norris disembowel 43 ninjas with a single punch.
9-18-08cn: Artistically speaking, Chuck Norris prefers the modern art approach to blood splatters on canvas....signed with an excised digit from your hand.
9-18-08rbn: Chuck Norris fought the law ... and won.
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